you told me you loved me
why did you leave me, all alone
now you tell me you need me
im already gone.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
;
11:01 PM
Sorry.
Salutations.
I'm sorry. Sorry that I'm not enough. Not enough to love. Not enough to spend one second to just say a simple hi to. Sorry that I am so different. That I'm not like everyone else. I'm sorry that I don't fit in your world. I'm sorry that I'm a disappointment. I'm sorry for sometimes being a failure. I'm sorry if I never lived up to expectations. I'm sorry that I'm not enough to tell everything to. I'm sorry that I am only second best. I'm sorry for being so emotional. I'm sorry for loving you. I'm sorry for hating you. I'm sorry that I am a mess. I'm sorry I'm not perfect.
But, I am just me. And that's all I'll ever be. That's all I can ever give. Myself. My love. My heart. Laid bare on the ground. Waiting to be trampled on or cradled dearly. Til then, my heart shall have it's own conviction. A conviction of genuine love.
It's the end. Goodbye 2009. Greetings 2010. May the Force be with us all.
Cos it's you and me. And I don't know why. I can't keep my eyes off you.
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Sunday, December 20, 2009
;
9:01 PM
All the right moves.
Salutations. Christmas has been going good. My father bribed me to get out of the house by giving me money to go shopping. Before you go off thinking I'm such a horrid person, I already planned to do my shopping with MY OWN MONEY in Malaysia ok. So, anyway, we went to Somerset 313, that new shopping centre. I don't know all this crap since I am not into shopping as you all know. So, I just follow. Turns out so many BLOODY BOOTS! AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR BOOTS! I WENT MAAAAADDDDD!! WILD!!!!
At last, I didn't buy anything from there. Though I do suggest you go there to shop. Sales galore. Then we took pictures at the Ferrero Rocher tree. Damn it looked so good I wanted to eat it. I mean, hello, chocolate. Everyone knows I cannot resist chocolate. So, then we ended up at Mango at Wisma. And it was there, that I found her. My dress. The dress. It's a black tube dress that has zips all over. It's kinda short, but who cares, it's meant to be like that. Cost me $70. Then, I went over to Bugis and found the perfect shoes to match my perfect dress. It was just meant to be. The shoes cost me $23. And now I have my New Wear outfit. Yay me! :) I'm gonna look so hot. Haha. With my pink hair summore.
Speaking of which, I will be dying my hair pink in Malaysia. In case I forgot to mention it. So, yeah. :) Christmas is turning out to be great! I'm so happy! It's the one time of the year that I can truly be happy inside and outside regardless of everything going wrong. It just has that effect on me. So, I'm enjoying it while it lasts, and before everything has to go back to being normal again. So yes. Will be leaving to Malaysia soon. So, I hope you guys have a good time here in Singapore. Spread the love!
I will be sad though. I will be missing all the parties here in Singapore. Our traditional annual parties at different houses. Sigh. All that turkey, and log cake and carolling and charades. Sigh. Anyways, said a nice goodbye to everyone in church today. So I'll be fine. My poor dad, he was preaching today and he was having back pain. Could hardly stand but carried on preaching. Haha. Then, I had to massage his back when we came back. This is the price of having special hands. Really, you should get a massage from me, EVERYONE looooves my massages. EVERYONE. And we were all so tired today. We were all talking on the bed and then we fell asleep. My dad, my sister, my little brother and me. Haha. All squashed up and sleeping. Haha. It was so fun.
Well, that's about it. I will be gone. The next time I post it will be after Christmas. So fast eh. Damn. So, please enjoy the holidays. MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE! MERRY CHRISTMAS! :) Love you all. Have fun here in Singapore. Will be missing you guys. Will be missing some more than others. They know who they are. Haha. Ciao people. Happy Holidays! God bless!
All the right moves, hey. Yeah, we're going down.
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
;
9:10 PM
Multi-coloured facets of a diamond.
Salutations. I am feeling a thousand different emotions. Aren't I always? Why I am always an emotional rollercoaster is beyond me. It's something inate I suppose. You'd have to be able to penetrate the core of my brain to figure it out. So, as part of my emotional hysterics, I've been watching my Disney Princess movies again. Haha. Starting with my two all time favourites, Cinderella and Beauty & the Beast. I felt so young and girly again. I was singing along. Thank God I was alone. No subjection to mocking from my siblings.
Also, school is out for the Christmas holidays. I am so excited. The 'Christmas Is...' event went superbly well. Everyone had loads of fun. Anna even won 1st prize in the Lucky Draw, a brand new Canon DSLR something something. Yeah, friggin cool. Dinner was awesome thanks to Botak Jones. I can never get over how awesome their food is. Everyone said my dress was really beautiful, so I'm kinda glad that I did eventually wear it.
Still, I have lots to do. Christmas shopping, tuition, Christmas parties,etc. And I'm already leaving early next week. Fadhil even bought me something for Christmas. Isn't that sooooo sweet. :) My mind is constantly racing at the thought of what the gift could be, since he refuses to tell me. Dammit. Anyways, still gotta make my usual Christmas present list. What to get for who. Haiz. A daunting task. I'm running out of presents to buy.
Haiz. Okay, I don't really have anything else to blabber about and I'm sure you probably don't want me to blabber. Although SOME PEOPLE apparently seem to like my nonsensical rantings. Haha. Yeah, ok. So, holla at me if you want anything from Malaysia. Like gum or something. I plan to get my Christmas and New Year clothes there, and to do loads more shopping there. Bring it on! :)
That fire you ignited. Burns when I stand beside it.
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Wednesday, December 09, 2009
;
10:06 AM
Crashed and burnt.
Salutations. I am just a mess. In pain, both physically and emotionally. My head hurts. My arm and leg hurts. Haiz. And I swear I saw my life flash before my eyes. Even for that brief moment, you want to hold on to everyone you love and that ONE person just pops into your mind. It's amazing who or what runs through your mind when you think you're gonna die. I could hear his sweet voice in my head. But somehow, even with all that pain shooting through my body, it doesn't come close to the pain of my broken heart.
Anyway, Christmas is coming soon. I am just looking forward to that. The Christmas cheer always gets to me! I can't wait! Even though I won't be here in Singapore on Christmas Day, I am glad to be going back home to Malaysia. I miss my family there. I miss my Malaysian food. I miss my Malaysia. Negaraku. I will definetely miss my Singaporean people. I have grown so accustomed to celebrating with them. Haiz. I really wish I could be in two places at once. Honestly, I truly wish I could.
I really wish I could reach out and hug him now. But I can't. Haiz. Dammit. Somehow, no matter how hard you try to make it seem like nothing happened, like everything's ok, it can never be that way. Because in the back of your mind somewhere, you're constantly reminded of that one tiny detail that changed everything. Note to self : Keep thoughts inside head. Please dear ones, learn from my horrendous mistake.
Now the fire alarm is ringing. Great. And the guy on the speaker is going on and on about it. I mean, DUH, it's obvious the alarm is ringing. We can hear it. Haiz. Retards. Anyhoo, the concert day is coming closer. Full dress rehearsals went great. We got our MJ leather jackets and our MJ gold outfits. We look so fly. Haha. This sunday is the day. 13th. I've been practicing my songs non-stop, trying to make them sound perfect. All the right moves and I'll stand by you. And I'm going to wear a pretty dress and all. The rare sight of me wearing a dress. Which unfortunately means I have to wear heels. Sigh. But then again, I don't want to look like some misfortuned person on Christmas. So yeah, I'll take the damn dress.
Now, I have to go study and do something fruitful with my life. If I even pause for a while, I will feel the pain of my broken heart reminding me that I can't have him, no matter how hard I try. Haiz. Gonna study now. Numb my mind and heart with the dull words on the powerpoint. At least i can cheer myself up with the fact that SOMEONE didn't make it through to the Idol finals! AHHAHA. God has given me the best present this Christmas. Slyvia for the win! :) I'll shutup now. Goodbye. Seasons greetings!
And then I crashed into you. And I went up in flames.
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Monday, November 30, 2009
;
9:24 PM
How on earth does it happen?!
Salutations. I decided to surpise myself by blogging so soon after I just blogged. I figured, why not. It ain't gonna hurt nobody. So, here I am. Just found out today, that the stupid replacement faci for Web on Thursday, decided to paste my whole RJ for the whole WORLD to see! DUDE! Seriously! WTH! Haiz. I mean, if he wanted to quote me it would be fine. BUT HE PUT THE WHOLE FRIGGIN RJ THERE! Haiz. Boundaries, people. Tsk tsk. I hope he comes back though. He gave me an 'A'. :P
So have been practicing for Christmas. Full dress rehearsals are on the 6th. Our dance is great! Coming together great! We are gonna wear MJ-inspired outfits. :) ALL HAIL THE KING OF POP! So, found out now that for our solo performances, it's gonna be done acoustically. So, All The Right Moves, acoustic cover. I can't wait. Gonna be leading some Christmas carols as well, like O Holy Night,etc. Am so excited. We are going to put up the Christmas tree this weekend. I am absolutely euphoric! My family still cleaning the house. I have magnanimously withdrawn my services.
Everytime it seems that I am moving on and doing fine, someone comes along and makes me feel this way. I can feel myself falling, slowly, but surely. Deeper. But I can't help it, he makes me swoon. Like nothing I've felt before. Damn. I gotta start keeping hold of my emotions. Oh why do I like him so? Sigh. Anyway, was feeling in the mood to write due to overwhelming emotions. So, I wrote. I suppose I feel better now.
Listen can you hear it too?
The silent unending pleas my heart cries.
I am so swallowed, engulfed in emotion.
Above me, no surface, no hope, no life.
Just the stirring of the effervescent wind.
A howling breeze, can you not know?
So fly with me, out of this wary world.
Towards a euphoric haven.
Can you find me? Here I am, matyred.
Surreptitiously, I may have passed.
Woe is me.
Haiz. I doubt I have anything else to say. I have already laid my heart bare. Now, I'm not feeling so good. My class is infected. It's spreading like wildfire, those damn germs. Worse, tomorrow I have to give tuition and then I have dance practice. Yes, this is my life. But I guess it's worth the effort to do something that I love. I love teaching people the beauty of the English language, and I love dancing. Haha. So, I really shouldn't be complaining. I should be thankful for everything that I have, and everyone that I have to hug at the end of everyday.
Which reminds me. I feel like cuddling my little brother know. He always makes me feel better. Haha. Plus, he's sick too. So, we can be all germy together. Haha. Tomorrow is marketing. Dang! At least I have Fadhil's hug to look forward to at the end of everyday. Haha. Thanks Fadhil. You're a lifesaver. :) Alright, I shall be off to spread my germs somewhere else. And to lie down and sleep actually. You can NEVER have TOO MUCH sleep! I only wish I didn't have to wake up at some point. Sigh. Wishful thinking. Okay then. Adieu.
I'm going under. Drowning in you.
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Friday, November 27, 2009
;
9:15 PM
A long well deserved break.
Salutations. I am finally back to post yet again. I suppose you would have gotten bored with my usual blabberings, but if you're reading this, then I guess I supposed wrong. Anyhoo, it feels good to blog again after so long. So, more about my life now. School has been great. I am surprised that I have made so many friends. I mean, cmon, it's me we're talking about. I am not exactly number one at making friends, what with my lack of social skills and all. But, I have managed to get along great with everyone so far. Am loving my class, W14C. Also, people within CCC. I thank the Lord everday for them and for being able to study what I love. As Adam Lambert said, It's time for miracles. :)
Everyday in school has been an adventure all on its own. I love going to school now, except for the waking up early part. That always sucks. Haiz. I miss Fadhil. Wish I could hug him now. Sigh. He gives me more motivation to go to school everyday, especially since Ruben has been M.I.A in the mornings. Perhaps he's hiding from me. Haha. He's retaining his first year at Innova, which means he'll be there 3 years. Lucky for me, sad for him. Oh well. But, I really miss Fadhil. That sweet monkey has that effect on me. Haha. He cut his finger the other day, with a penknife, trying to be a hero. I swear my heart stopped for a moment when I heard what happened. Thank God he was alright though.
In other news, Christmas is coming up! YAY! We are having another Christmas event this year, this time at Civil Service Club. It's gonna be LEGEN-wait for it-DARY! As usual, we are doing a dance. There will be bhangra dance and a hip hop. Usually, I am always involved in both, but this time I'm taking a break. Too many things going on to commit. So, I'm sticking to my hiphop. We are doing a collaboration of Ciara, J.T, and of course our beloved MICHAEL JACKSON! KING OF POP, May He Rest In Peace. I feel so proud and honoured to carry on his legend, even in a small way. I really am looking forward to Christmas! AAAAAAAHHH!!! CHRISTMAS!!!! Sorry. Spasms. I always get excited this time of year. Tis the season.
I will also be singing for Christmas. Finally, it's my time for shine. My solo. I am so used to singing in church, but now in front of many people. I thought after joining East View Idol and performing for EV's National Day, I would be over my nervousness. But hell no! I'm so friggin nervous. I will most probably be singing OneRepublic or Taylor Swift. I hope it goes well, so help me God. Wish me luck people! I so DON'T wanna screw up Christmas. Now am thinking about Narnia and Adam Lambert. I have been obsessing over Narnia recently. It being an allegory and all, I can never get sick of it. Also, with Adam's album release, I am going mad! So awesome!
My mother has been bugging us to clean the house, what with the arrival of Christmas and all. I guess this is when having 7 people in the family comes in handy. Efficient cleaning! Hanging curtains, cleaning curtains, cleaning windows, and every other inch of the house. I haven't actually done much work, playing my 'I have school and work to do' card. I am lying in bed eating chocolate fudge cookies, reading Breaking Dawn and snuggled up in my blanket, while the rain is pouring down outside. Perfection. So, I had to take the time to blog this to rub it in your faces. Haha. Sorry.
Alright, I shall be off. I feel bad for not doing work. NOT. I am just waiting for them to finish so we can put up the Christmas tree together!!!! AAAHHH!! :) I am uber excited. Okie, my brother came in to get me to do work. Sigh. Really gotta go. Dammit! Haiz. Til next time, I bid you all adieu. Auf Wiedersehen! Oh yes. Don't forget. Tis the season to be JOLLY! Falalalalalalalala!
There's no real love in you. Why do I keep loving you?
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
Wednesday, October 07, 2009
;
10:47 AM
New faces. New places. Haiz.
Salutations. I am currently in class, titled Creative Concepts. Yes, I am blogging. No, I am not ignoring the words that are coming out from my facilitator's mouth and focusing on my laptop screen instead. On the contrary, I am done paying attention. Let me explain. Today's task was to come up with a play that shows how different personalities overcome a creative challenge. My team, being uber efficient and uber friendly, have completed our so-called script. Yay team!
So here I am blogging. New Semester. New class. New people. New modules. A change altogether, but change is a good thing. On the first day itself I made friends. My whole class is Mass Com people, so that's a bonus, I think. Plus, I even have my primary school friend here. Everyone has been really friendly and expressive. There are some weirdos here too, sshh, some with fake accents,others with arrogance up to their eyeballs. Haiz. But this is to be expected of Mass Communications. I just have to deal with it.
But I still hang out with my Sem 1 friends. They are just bloody awesome! Haha. Still go with Kanthes to school. And back home as well. And YESTERDAY was SUCH AN EVENTFUL ride back home! Oh God! Almost died of a heart attack. Kan was kacauing me about Ruben, and then.....HE BOARDS THE BUS!! And... HE SAT RIGHT BEHIND ME!!! AAAHH!! Was practically hyperventilating. Gosh! What a day!
Okay. Just had Subway for lunch. Yummy! It's been ages since I downed a sub. I decided to have a change of meal, Subway Melt, rather than my usual Italian BMT. I have saved my 2 delectable cookies for later, to enjoy every bite of it. Yumm. Church has been great. We had a forum 2 weeks ago, topiced Sex: Be aware. A rather interesting debate arose, very enlightening. Last week we decided to chillax, so we screened the Pirates Trilogy. :) Awesome right.
Alright, so I better be off. Make more fruitful use of my time. Ooo.. we are having a discussion in class now. Most people would call it gossip, but we feel that our time spent talking about celebrities and the latest thing to watch is very enriching to the soul. It could be called World News, since we are learning about people who have an impact on the world and they are around the world. Haha.. Ooo, discussion about Ris Low, our super idiotic,bimbotic,wasteoftime beauty queen. Fun! Ciao....................... :)
Baby, we're stuck with each other. Ain't nothing we can do bout it.
Sexy 17. It's my power shift.
=DeBbIe=
you are my past ; now, im my everything
